It's true. It never rains but pours. All i'm hoping for is for it to stop soon. I can feel my confidence slipping once more when i play the violin. No matter what others say, saying how it'd be okay that i won't fail etc, i can't help but feel that i really can't make it. I want to make it and i'm trying really hard. But some things are inborn and i know i don't have it. No matter how hard i try to do whatever's required, it's just never quite right. I won't give up but i'm really tired and disappointed in myself. I know i'm more fortunate than others already but i don't want to disappoint everyone and mostly not myself. And it's just that that i keep doing. I don't know who to tell. I don't want people to tell me it's okay anymore. I just want someone to listen and understand.

I know there'd be many willing to listen but i don't feel like telling my close friends. What for? I mean, i'd just be a burden, a worry and i find it hard to open my mouth. Not to mention not so close friends. It'd never open myself out so raw. It's been like this for so long, stuck in this dilemma and i know it'd end up with me slowly washing these negative feelings away. This uncertainty sucks so much i don't know what to say. I really hate disappointing people, people's expectations and my own. I've never dealt with crashed dreams and i really don't want to. I wished i could really be courageous and go head on despite being so afraid. I really want to. That's the only way.

Then somehow, i started missing Granny so much. So so much. It partly started from my thoughts of Brother and it somehow just ended with Granny. I really miss her. All over again. Maybe the added pressure from myself for violin was pressing me too hard. Haha gosh i sound so useless and desolate. And it's not really things that i should worry, right? Sometimes i wished could really not care. I wished i really didn't take people's words to heart, or even some of my own. I was angry today morning. I couldn't do what my dad wanted me to help him and he was sighing all the way and was so impatient. I tried my best. But i wasn't doing what he wanted. I was so fed up. He was meddling with the stupid zip and he just wouldn't pull. Couldn't he just try pulling it up when i've already aligned it?

He kept saying it's not straight and went like "Do you know how to do this?" And obviously not cause i thought the way i was doing would be okay. And i kept doing whatever parts wrong and i just didn't want to hear him say anything else. I know what it'd end up with: i'm useless. I've had enough of the 'low self-esteem' already and i didn't want anymore words to hurt me. I really didn't want to keep doing that stupid zip thing. Even if i did zip it, so what? He wouldn't say thank you. I wouldn't feel happy. Given my mood just now, all i'd really get in my head was i was stupid and accomplishing it wouldn't help. I had other things to do. I wanted to listen to songs and happy things to make me happier and on the go, not this. Why me? So i told him i didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to waste his time nor mine or to even ruin my mood. Even if i wanted to help i obviously couldn't.

So he flared up and said i was impatient. I didn't know why i gave such a big damn about what he said. It wasn't like i was impatient okay. If you want someone to help can you not be so hurting? I don't know means i don't know and i don't want it. I want to stop this thing. I really didn't want to feel hurt all over again over words, things. I've had enough of overwhelming emotions lately and i don't need you to add on. You think i'd tell you all this? Obviously not. So just keep away from me. I need some time alone. Can you don't hurt me at a time when i'm fragile? I know you don't know anything and i shouldn't really blame you but do you know what you did made me feel bad about it? Over a small zip. Over a wrong choice of helper. You made me feel hurt trying to shield myself away and i still had to cover it up in front of you? I can't you know. Not now. Go away.

It's true. It never rains but pours. All i'm hoping for is for it to stop soon. I can feel my confidence slipping once more when i play the violin. No matter what others say, saying how it'd be okay that i won't fail etc, i can't help but feel that i really can't make it. I want to make it and i'm trying really hard. But some things are inborn and i know i don't have it. No matter how hard i try to do whatever's required, it's just never quite right. I won't give up but i'm really tired and disappointed in myself. I know i'm more fortunate than others already but i don't want to disappoint everyone and mostly not myself. And it's just that that i keep doing. I don't know who to tell. I don't want people to tell me it's okay anymore. I just want someone to listen and understand.

I know there'd be many willing to listen but i don't feel like telling my close friends. What for? I mean, i'd just be a burden, a worry and i find it hard to open my mouth. Not to mention not so close friends. It'd never open myself out so raw. It's been like this for so long, stuck in this dilemma and i know it'd end up with me slowly washing these negative feelings away. This uncertainty sucks so much i don't know what to say. I really hate disappointing people, people's expectations and my own. I've never dealt with crashed dreams and i really don't want to. I wished i could really be courageous and go head on despite being so afraid. I really want to. That's the only way.

Then somehow, i started missing Granny so much. So so much. It partly started from my thoughts of Brother and it somehow just ended with Granny. I really miss her. All over again. Maybe the added pressure from myself for violin was pressing me too hard. Haha gosh i sound so useless and desolate. And it's not really things that i should worry, right? Sometimes i wished could really not care. I wished i really didn't take people's words to heart, or even some of my own. I was angry today morning. I couldn't do what my dad wanted me to help him and he was sighing all the way and was so impatient. I tried my best. But i wasn't doing what he wanted. I was so fed up. He was meddling with the stupid zip and he just wouldn't pull. Couldn't he just try pulling it up when i've already aligned it?

He kept saying it's not straight and went like "Do you know how to do this?" And obviously not cause i thought the way i was doing would be okay. And i kept doing whatever parts wrong and i just didn't want to hear him say anything else. I know what it'd end up with: i'm useless. I've had enough of the 'low self-esteem' already and i didn't want anymore words to hurt me. I really didn't want to keep doing that stupid zip thing. Even if i did zip it, so what? He wouldn't say thank you. I wouldn't feel happy. Given my mood just now, all i'd really get in my head was i was stupid and accomplishing it wouldn't help. I had other things to do. I wanted to listen to songs and happy things to make me happier and on the go, not this. Why me? So i told him i didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to waste his time nor mine or to even ruin my mood. Even if i wanted to help i obviously couldn't.

So he flared up and said i was impatient. I didn't know why i gave such a big damn about what he said. It wasn't like i was impatient okay. If you want someone to help can you not be so hurting? I don't know means i don't know and i don't want it. I want to stop this thing. I really didn't want to feel hurt all over again over words, things. I've had enough of overwhelming emotions lately and i don't need you to add on. You think i'd tell you all this? Obviously not. So just keep away from me. I need some time alone. Can you don't hurt me at a time when i'm fragile? I know you don't know anything and i shouldn't really blame you but do you know what you did made me feel bad about it? Over a small zip. Over a wrong choice of helper. You made me feel hurt trying to shield myself away and i still had to cover it up in front of you? I can't you know. Not now. Go away.