I felt so useless feeling that hopelessness in me. That helplessness. Thinking about it again, how foolish it seems to be. Maybe it's just part of the ride, on a road to somewhere, a path to some place, that i've yet to glimpse. How do you tell someone how you felt, when they cannot comprehend the same feelings. They have different experiences and character that of yours, they cannot fully understand.

It was my fault, of course, to only practice the scales for violin. But i didn't have time for pieces. Taken by surprise by the sudden change in what we were 'supposed to do' and what we are 'about to do', i just lost confidence. It was terrible. I kept playing the wrong tune for 3 times straight and it wasn't even because i didn't know how to. That nervous tension, i couldn't feel my fingers running over the notes on the pages, as if i was apart from everything and couldn't do anything. My palms became clammy and my shoulder rest kept dropping down, and i couldn't even get it back to its usual position. My bow just ran astray and so did the quality of the sound. I know it isn't even because i felt terribly unwell today. What was wrong with me?

The lesson was messy. My classmate couldn't seem to play G major. I could see my teacher's face tearing apart. When he suddenly asked me to have a try at G major, i suddenly gained some miraculous confidence that i'd spilled all over the floor just now. I just played it, and it was so much more natural to me than Presto. My teacher seem to light up like a bulb and i heard my best praise that i've ever gotten in the 9 years of learning violin under him - "marvelous". Maybe it's just cause i've practiced it before, and maybe it's just cause my teacher was on the brink of giving up, so it seem like a spectacular miracle, thus that word; nonetheless, it made me feel better.

Well, i never really used the scale book. I memorised scales by how the fingers are placed, and i learn them through my ears (my melodic minors are terribly hard to learn at first as such). So, the book was always just there for assurance, which i guess was what i needed. So when he wanted me to play two more Dominant Sevenths without the books, i was a little shaky inside. Luckily, i didn't fail him. Even so, i couldn't wipe away the fact that i screwed up terribly. Really terribly. Going home, i went to the playground nearby, and i felt all depressed. Receiving sms-es on how people assumed that i've done things that they should have done made me feel like i'm so depended on. I felt like toppling over.

I sat down on the slide, undercover of the sun. I cried. I really didn't want to be leaned on. As if too much weight was on me. I couldn't even keep myself alive, why should i keep others alive. It was a selfish thought, but i really couldn't take it. The fact that as if i'm taken granted for. I felt like screaming, felt like yelling at them, but i couldn't do it, and my heart felt even more quenched. I just sat there crying and crying. So what if it were foolish, so what if it was only something so small. It wasn't only that, it was more. Much more. Even so, i know it's not enough for me to have the right to cry when so many other people are much worse than me, but so what? I just did, and i needed it, if only people could understand - to let yourself just be stupid, even if it was foolish, just to make yourself feel a bit better. I also have that right, isn't it?

Why can't i just be better, to be of what others want me to be, what i want myself to be? But why must i even be what other want me to be, it's so tiring! Why must people use their standards to perceive others? Why are humans like that? Thinking this way, aren't these questions standards in itself? Why am i like that too? I really don't know. I really don't have any more energy to think about it already. I feel like i'm drifting off. I can't. breathe.

Why can't someone hear me?

I felt so useless feeling that hopelessness in me. That helplessness. Thinking about it again, how foolish it seems to be. Maybe it's just part of the ride, on a road to somewhere, a path to some place, that i've yet to glimpse. How do you tell someone how you felt, when they cannot comprehend the same feelings. They have different experiences and character that of yours, they cannot fully understand.

It was my fault, of course, to only practice the scales for violin. But i didn't have time for pieces. Taken by surprise by the sudden change in what we were 'supposed to do' and what we are 'about to do', i just lost confidence. It was terrible. I kept playing the wrong tune for 3 times straight and it wasn't even because i didn't know how to. That nervous tension, i couldn't feel my fingers running over the notes on the pages, as if i was apart from everything and couldn't do anything. My palms became clammy and my shoulder rest kept dropping down, and i couldn't even get it back to its usual position. My bow just ran astray and so did the quality of the sound. I know it isn't even because i felt terribly unwell today. What was wrong with me?

The lesson was messy. My classmate couldn't seem to play G major. I could see my teacher's face tearing apart. When he suddenly asked me to have a try at G major, i suddenly gained some miraculous confidence that i'd spilled all over the floor just now. I just played it, and it was so much more natural to me than Presto. My teacher seem to light up like a bulb and i heard my best praise that i've ever gotten in the 9 years of learning violin under him - "marvelous". Maybe it's just cause i've practiced it before, and maybe it's just cause my teacher was on the brink of giving up, so it seem like a spectacular miracle, thus that word; nonetheless, it made me feel better.

Well, i never really used the scale book. I memorised scales by how the fingers are placed, and i learn them through my ears (my melodic minors are terribly hard to learn at first as such). So, the book was always just there for assurance, which i guess was what i needed. So when he wanted me to play two more Dominant Sevenths without the books, i was a little shaky inside. Luckily, i didn't fail him. Even so, i couldn't wipe away the fact that i screwed up terribly. Really terribly. Going home, i went to the playground nearby, and i felt all depressed. Receiving sms-es on how people assumed that i've done things that they should have done made me feel like i'm so depended on. I felt like toppling over.

I sat down on the slide, undercover of the sun. I cried. I really didn't want to be leaned on. As if too much weight was on me. I couldn't even keep myself alive, why should i keep others alive. It was a selfish thought, but i really couldn't take it. The fact that as if i'm taken granted for. I felt like screaming, felt like yelling at them, but i couldn't do it, and my heart felt even more quenched. I just sat there crying and crying. So what if it were foolish, so what if it was only something so small. It wasn't only that, it was more. Much more. Even so, i know it's not enough for me to have the right to cry when so many other people are much worse than me, but so what? I just did, and i needed it, if only people could understand - to let yourself just be stupid, even if it was foolish, just to make yourself feel a bit better. I also have that right, isn't it?

Why can't i just be better, to be of what others want me to be, what i want myself to be? But why must i even be what other want me to be, it's so tiring! Why must people use their standards to perceive others? Why are humans like that? Thinking this way, aren't these questions standards in itself? Why am i like that too? I really don't know. I really don't have any more energy to think about it already. I feel like i'm drifting off. I can't. breathe.

Why can't someone hear me?