Before I decided to write this, a rather big event occured. Hence the post. But before writing this, another rather big event occured and now I have two things to write about. How painful it is to see your feelings sway and run awry with just a simple event or act when in actual fact nothing apparent is supposed to have changed. I saw a quote posted by my childhood best friend whom I still hold dear, and how apt that is indeed. 

"It is both a blessing

And a curse 

To feel everything 

So very deeply." 

I've always loved sunsets, and I still do. They are beautiful, somewhat melancholic, in the good way. Their colours and silence speaks so loudly to my heart, it overwhelms and embraces me like nothing else. But recently, I've come to find sunsets to be tinged with a little too much sadness. Of course, that is but my perception, but things somehow shifted my feelings. I've always thought the sunrise to be pretty nice but it never instilled the hope and energy that others raved about. But recently, it does feel like the sunrise brings with it an acknowledgement of life, and with that permission to be and hope.

This probably happened because of the first big event that happened to me. I went hiking and got lost on the way down. It was a loop course, hence it wasn't the same path back. I followed the wrong path thinking it was right, and despite having doubts and trekking back twice, I still went ahead. To be fair, it was not without good reason that I kept going along, though I do admit that I was inexperienced in that I didn't expect the route to be so overgrown with long grass and thick brambly bushes that made distinguishing the right path from the wrong so difficult. But by the time I realised, there was no going back. 

As foolish as it was, and as much as I hate to admit it, I made the wrong decision. As things slowly dawned on me, I knew I was on the wrong path. The valley got steeper and steeper, and there were no footprints on wet mud. I struggled more and more. As I went down the valley, my legs shook. Not only from my bad knees but also from how scared I was. I was scared and frightened, and I knew it so well but I didn't want it to get the best of me and freak out so I just kept trying to keep calm. I did my best to breathe and pressed on. I thought about how I had to find my way back and make it in time for the bus. But as things got harder and worse and the time ticked on, that became the least of my worries. 

I came to a 2m flat face drop down a huge rock in the valley with no side supports, and the sides were too thick with bushes and too steep to rejoin down. The only way was down. So I turned my body to face the wall and tried to climb down slowly. I almost made it to the bottom but I slipped and momentum made me drop, landing on my right foot and tumbling over the smooth sloping terrain. I flipped twice, hitting my head, shoulders and knees hard. I remembered how everything spun and how incapable I was of stopping it. I was scared about injuring myself hard cause I knew that would be the end of it all. But thankfully, though I was hurt and bruised with scratches and all, I could still move. My foot gave me trouble but I could still put decent weight on it and I was actually relieved. I sat down at the edge of the rocks and went through my bag. I took out the brochure from the visitor centre and tried calling their number, but there was no reception and signal. Nothing went through. That scared me so so much. It felt like I was truly alone and helpless. 

But I just had to keep going, and I did. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and I shakily made down the muddy valley. After a few more drops, I saw two huge deers in front of me down the valley. Before I could think, they jumped off to the left. Despite how scared I was, they were magnificent and beautiful, I felt. I had slight relief that I wasn't truly alone and I was convinced that I could make it up the sides some time too if the deers could. There might be animal paths to help me along like they did before in the forest when I was doing research. But I was also shaky for I knew I was beyond normal human range. I was frightened and truly lost. I just had to move on. One step at a time, I told myself. 

All through the way, I kept trying to convince myself that I just needed to make my way down slowly, calmly and consistently. I tried to use all my knowledge of hiking, climbing and of the forest to make my way down. But then came the ultimatum. A 4-5m caved in drop.  I sat on the edge and looked over. It was impossible. If a river were to be flowing, that would have been a waterfall. I felt myself give up. Everything sunk in. I was very, very lost. The vegetation seemed to open up more here than before and it was at a lower altitude so I shakily unzipped my bag and took out the brochure and I tried to call the hotline but it couldn't dial.

I sat there for a bit and drank some water. Thoughts flooding me like waves. I recalled the time I got lost with my friend and how we made it out. I wondered if I could do it this time. I imagined myself stranded as the sun set and figuring out where to sleep for the night. I thought about how long I could last on my food and water, and wondered if anyone would alert people to rescue me. I thought about the people I loved. I thought about all the signs I got from conversations before this trip that I had never experienced on others and how foolish I was not to heed them. I regretted not doing all the things I knew I should have done, I regretted not bringing everything I thought I should bring, even if this was supposedly an easy hike. I felt so stupid and scared. I thought about how they would write articles about me and what trouble and maybe grief I would cause. I thought about this being the start of the end, how this was how my life ends despite everything that happened before. I could see it, picture it. And I had only just found a path that might lead to my dreams and that I did want to try.

Then I looked at the sky, still bright, and I tried to tell myself that I only had myself now and I had to support myself and be positive, especially because my predicament now is as best as it can get. It will only get worse but the sun is still up. And I still had hope, that I shouldn't give up. I tried to encourage myself and assure myself that things aren't too bad and that I am going to be okay.

Let's try for the sides. I looked over the valley and determined roughly where I was on the map and aimed to find my way. The valley goes on for very long and doesn't hit the road and I got scared but that left me with trying to get back on the path wherever possible. I tested the ground and tried to ignore the steep drops under me lest I missed my footing. I tested each ground before stepping and also tested branches and pulled myself up from bush to bush for security. I got stuck from time to time and felt like giving up but I crawled under bushes and kept telling myself to not rush and encourage myself that I am doing great. I pushed aside long grass, so desperate, at times falling to my knees on their cushioned blades, just hoping and begging to get closer to the route, for something or someone to show me the way: be it the mountain gods, the spirits, the animals or even by chance passers-by. I thought of the people I loved, how they might react to everything and memories with them supported me. While fighting my feelings, I tried all I could to calm myself down and be composed. I tried to take things slowly, do things less desperately to save energy, all the while pressing on. 

Then I heard a helicopter. I couldn't see it for I was still by the slanted face. I tried hard to reach somewhere open. My ways were blocked and I tried and tried to find a way around and I couldn't and then I did. I did it. I saw the helicopter to my left turning at the next spur. I tried to wave and hoping someone would see me but obviously that was to no avail. The helicopter left. I felt tired and scared. But I also felt less alone. I couldn't see much around me for the vegetation so I just kept trying to reach somewhere in the general direction of the supposed path down. 

And can you believe it, I did. I did it. There it was. that trodden brown parted path. I could see the plateau with the lake that formed after periods of rain. I could see the peak that I had left so, so, far away. I couldn't believe ho far down I came. But most of all I couldn't believe how I got back on track. I was blessed and loved by the mountain gods, and I was so thankful for the mountains and the animals for helping me back. I was so relieved tears were welling up in my eyes and I could feel it in my nose. I quickly dialled the person in my life and how relieved I was to see his face and hear his voice. I was so scared. I held back my tears as I gave a short recount and I was so happy to be safe and back. We talked for a bit as I hiked down and that company supported me so much. I aimed to get back before the bus reached and I did. I was so relieved. 

When I saw people, I thought about how they have no idea what I went through and how happy I was to be here. I realised I probably looked hideous and so pulled my jacket over myself. I hobbled to the visitor centre's toilet and only then noticed how bruised my hand I was. The swelling on my head was huge and it scared me. The many cuts and scratches on my palms across my hands. The holes in my bag and pants. My extremely muddy clothes and bag. I realised my shoulder and knees were hurting too. I washed my hands in the sink and the pain was so bad. There were deep cuts here and there I looked frightening. I pulled my jacket on again, slowly and headed to the information desk and asked for the nearest hospital back at the station.

Afterwards, I had just enough time to buy an ice cream to calm my nerves a little (and to test if there was anything wrong with my head) before the bus came. From there, I took the bus to the station and slowly hobbled to the hospital and got myself checked. I didn't know I was hurting in so many places and I was surprised to see wounds and bruises on my knee and shoulder when the doctor and nurses asked me to roll up my shirt and pants to check. They asked more about everything and were surprised that I got back out and made it here all alone. I was being very smiley and cheerful and apologetic from the relief of it all. The ordeal really made everything else after feel so fine and normal. I apologised for making the x-ray bed brown and all the staff were so extremely nice. How thankful I was. The CT scene and x-ray came out fine. Just swelling and no broken bones. Thank god. 

Even a week later, my head is still tender to the touch, my bruises are still around and still hurt, my hand is still having a hard time. But my bruises are slowly but surely getting better, my wounds and scratches are healing, save for those on my hand and shoulder. But even those are finally forming crusty yellow pus from their initial whiteness. Though the rest of the trip had its ups and downs, the hot springs and bath houses definitely made things better and helped me with my recovery. 

This ordeal definitely mellowed me out quite a bit. It's only been a week, but I can feel that it changed something within me. Other than learning the vital lessons of never being too prepared for a hike, on a broader level, it might have been showing me that maybe it was not my time to leave. It was reaffirming that I truly did love the people whom I hold dear, confirming that there are things I do want to try and opening my vision to whatever was narrowed. It gave me some courage, and that I am thankful for. That is why even though this took so long to write and the relive, I wanted to write it down. So I can recall my panic, and my will. And remember this experience as a guidance and an encouragement, and tell myself it's fine to be lost, it's okay to be struggling and it will be all right in the end.

Writing this, I feel a little better about the second big event. I guess it is because it helped shifted the focus of my feelings to another incident. I don't think my calmness about the matter will stay but I hope it lasts for quite a bit. Just shows how shaken I am I guess haha.

It's about the person in my life, losing the initial spark for me. I have experienced it before and I know it is a crucial stage that determines things but nonetheless it is scary for me. Being told to be given a break for a month is harsh but I love him. It is hard to love and choose to love when you know that person might be losing love for you. It makes you wonder and wish just why can't they reciprocate. But we all handle things and feelings differently and we can only get over it and come to a conclusion by ourselves in our own time.

I know all I can do is wait and trust. But uncertainties grow, as thoughts wander to things that you have all along known and felt wasn't looking hopeful and things that don't have to be if the relationship were to draw to a close. With time it feels as if it's a silent consent that I wasn't really needed, confirming my fears. It hurts me. I really hope it isn't the case but if it does, it will be hard. I hope I can come to terms with it. But I know I don't want to.

As foolish as it sounds, please love me. Please choose to love me. I love you. I want to make it work and I finally felt so hopeful and sure, and it took me so long. I want that hope to live on and I want us to find a way. I want to be enough and I want to give because you mean so much to me. I want to be the one to love you.

Dealing with people, 

dealing with emotions, 

I wish I would never wake up.

28.3.2020 

The world I see. 

14.4.2020

If I had to find a word to describe me, that would be the background.

決して目立たない、

人に気づかれない、

ただただ存在しているだけに過ぎない。

27.4.2020 

If you had never had to hide, 

you wouldn't need to shape your words in different ways

so that the needless and unknowing wouldn't see.

20.6.2020 

The lower I feel, 

the higher I tie my ponytail.

20.6.2020

Can there be pure tears in the night,

untainted by shadows? 

28.6.2020

I see time slip away like the falling rain.

14.7.2020 

Reminder to self: 

Keep your dreams close your heart.

It grows and burns in ways good and bad,

but dreams light the flame in our hearts and puts the spark in our eyes.

Always, at our core.

9.8.2020 

The rain trickles down the tip of my umbrella.

It falls, soaking my shirt and stinging the wound on my shoulder.

9.8.2020

I saw the signs in words and dreams, 

and rocks and beasts,

of the calm belying the storms. 

Wave after wave they hit me so, 

like thunderstorms on summer days.

Always strong but somewhere gentle, 

almost mocking but as if in console

14.8.2020 

The mountains that give,

the mountains that take.

14.8.2020

Before I decided to write this, a rather big event occured. Hence the post. But before writing this, another rather big event occured and now I have two things to write about. How painful it is to see your feelings sway and run awry with just a simple event or act when in actual fact nothing apparent is supposed to have changed. I saw a quote posted by my childhood best friend whom I still hold dear, and how apt that is indeed. 

"It is both a blessing

And a curse 

To feel everything 

So very deeply." 

I've always loved sunsets, and I still do. They are beautiful, somewhat melancholic, in the good way. Their colours and silence speaks so loudly to my heart, it overwhelms and embraces me like nothing else. But recently, I've come to find sunsets to be tinged with a little too much sadness. Of course, that is but my perception, but things somehow shifted my feelings. I've always thought the sunrise to be pretty nice but it never instilled the hope and energy that others raved about. But recently, it does feel like the sunrise brings with it an acknowledgement of life, and with that permission to be and hope.

This probably happened because of the first big event that happened to me. I went hiking and got lost on the way down. It was a loop course, hence it wasn't the same path back. I followed the wrong path thinking it was right, and despite having doubts and trekking back twice, I still went ahead. To be fair, it was not without good reason that I kept going along, though I do admit that I was inexperienced in that I didn't expect the route to be so overgrown with long grass and thick brambly bushes that made distinguishing the right path from the wrong so difficult. But by the time I realised, there was no going back. 

As foolish as it was, and as much as I hate to admit it, I made the wrong decision. As things slowly dawned on me, I knew I was on the wrong path. The valley got steeper and steeper, and there were no footprints on wet mud. I struggled more and more. As I went down the valley, my legs shook. Not only from my bad knees but also from how scared I was. I was scared and frightened, and I knew it so well but I didn't want it to get the best of me and freak out so I just kept trying to keep calm. I did my best to breathe and pressed on. I thought about how I had to find my way back and make it in time for the bus. But as things got harder and worse and the time ticked on, that became the least of my worries. 

I came to a 2m flat face drop down a huge rock in the valley with no side supports, and the sides were too thick with bushes and too steep to rejoin down. The only way was down. So I turned my body to face the wall and tried to climb down slowly. I almost made it to the bottom but I slipped and momentum made me drop, landing on my right foot and tumbling over the smooth sloping terrain. I flipped twice, hitting my head, shoulders and knees hard. I remembered how everything spun and how incapable I was of stopping it. I was scared about injuring myself hard cause I knew that would be the end of it all. But thankfully, though I was hurt and bruised with scratches and all, I could still move. My foot gave me trouble but I could still put decent weight on it and I was actually relieved. I sat down at the edge of the rocks and went through my bag. I took out the brochure from the visitor centre and tried calling their number, but there was no reception and signal. Nothing went through. That scared me so so much. It felt like I was truly alone and helpless. 

But I just had to keep going, and I did. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and I shakily made down the muddy valley. After a few more drops, I saw two huge deers in front of me down the valley. Before I could think, they jumped off to the left. Despite how scared I was, they were magnificent and beautiful, I felt. I had slight relief that I wasn't truly alone and I was convinced that I could make it up the sides some time too if the deers could. There might be animal paths to help me along like they did before in the forest when I was doing research. But I was also shaky for I knew I was beyond normal human range. I was frightened and truly lost. I just had to move on. One step at a time, I told myself. 

All through the way, I kept trying to convince myself that I just needed to make my way down slowly, calmly and consistently. I tried to use all my knowledge of hiking, climbing and of the forest to make my way down. But then came the ultimatum. A 4-5m caved in drop.  I sat on the edge and looked over. It was impossible. If a river were to be flowing, that would have been a waterfall. I felt myself give up. Everything sunk in. I was very, very lost. The vegetation seemed to open up more here than before and it was at a lower altitude so I shakily unzipped my bag and took out the brochure and I tried to call the hotline but it couldn't dial.

I sat there for a bit and drank some water. Thoughts flooding me like waves. I recalled the time I got lost with my friend and how we made it out. I wondered if I could do it this time. I imagined myself stranded as the sun set and figuring out where to sleep for the night. I thought about how long I could last on my food and water, and wondered if anyone would alert people to rescue me. I thought about the people I loved. I thought about all the signs I got from conversations before this trip that I had never experienced on others and how foolish I was not to heed them. I regretted not doing all the things I knew I should have done, I regretted not bringing everything I thought I should bring, even if this was supposedly an easy hike. I felt so stupid and scared. I thought about how they would write articles about me and what trouble and maybe grief I would cause. I thought about this being the start of the end, how this was how my life ends despite everything that happened before. I could see it, picture it. And I had only just found a path that might lead to my dreams and that I did want to try.

Then I looked at the sky, still bright, and I tried to tell myself that I only had myself now and I had to support myself and be positive, especially because my predicament now is as best as it can get. It will only get worse but the sun is still up. And I still had hope, that I shouldn't give up. I tried to encourage myself and assure myself that things aren't too bad and that I am going to be okay.

Let's try for the sides. I looked over the valley and determined roughly where I was on the map and aimed to find my way. The valley goes on for very long and doesn't hit the road and I got scared but that left me with trying to get back on the path wherever possible. I tested the ground and tried to ignore the steep drops under me lest I missed my footing. I tested each ground before stepping and also tested branches and pulled myself up from bush to bush for security. I got stuck from time to time and felt like giving up but I crawled under bushes and kept telling myself to not rush and encourage myself that I am doing great. I pushed aside long grass, so desperate, at times falling to my knees on their cushioned blades, just hoping and begging to get closer to the route, for something or someone to show me the way: be it the mountain gods, the spirits, the animals or even by chance passers-by. I thought of the people I loved, how they might react to everything and memories with them supported me. While fighting my feelings, I tried all I could to calm myself down and be composed. I tried to take things slowly, do things less desperately to save energy, all the while pressing on. 

Then I heard a helicopter. I couldn't see it for I was still by the slanted face. I tried hard to reach somewhere open. My ways were blocked and I tried and tried to find a way around and I couldn't and then I did. I did it. I saw the helicopter to my left turning at the next spur. I tried to wave and hoping someone would see me but obviously that was to no avail. The helicopter left. I felt tired and scared. But I also felt less alone. I couldn't see much around me for the vegetation so I just kept trying to reach somewhere in the general direction of the supposed path down. 

And can you believe it, I did. I did it. There it was. that trodden brown parted path. I could see the plateau with the lake that formed after periods of rain. I could see the peak that I had left so, so, far away. I couldn't believe ho far down I came. But most of all I couldn't believe how I got back on track. I was blessed and loved by the mountain gods, and I was so thankful for the mountains and the animals for helping me back. I was so relieved tears were welling up in my eyes and I could feel it in my nose. I quickly dialled the person in my life and how relieved I was to see his face and hear his voice. I was so scared. I held back my tears as I gave a short recount and I was so happy to be safe and back. We talked for a bit as I hiked down and that company supported me so much. I aimed to get back before the bus reached and I did. I was so relieved. 

When I saw people, I thought about how they have no idea what I went through and how happy I was to be here. I realised I probably looked hideous and so pulled my jacket over myself. I hobbled to the visitor centre's toilet and only then noticed how bruised my hand I was. The swelling on my head was huge and it scared me. The many cuts and scratches on my palms across my hands. The holes in my bag and pants. My extremely muddy clothes and bag. I realised my shoulder and knees were hurting too. I washed my hands in the sink and the pain was so bad. There were deep cuts here and there I looked frightening. I pulled my jacket on again, slowly and headed to the information desk and asked for the nearest hospital back at the station.

Afterwards, I had just enough time to buy an ice cream to calm my nerves a little (and to test if there was anything wrong with my head) before the bus came. From there, I took the bus to the station and slowly hobbled to the hospital and got myself checked. I didn't know I was hurting in so many places and I was surprised to see wounds and bruises on my knee and shoulder when the doctor and nurses asked me to roll up my shirt and pants to check. They asked more about everything and were surprised that I got back out and made it here all alone. I was being very smiley and cheerful and apologetic from the relief of it all. The ordeal really made everything else after feel so fine and normal. I apologised for making the x-ray bed brown and all the staff were so extremely nice. How thankful I was. The CT scene and x-ray came out fine. Just swelling and no broken bones. Thank god. 

Even a week later, my head is still tender to the touch, my bruises are still around and still hurt, my hand is still having a hard time. But my bruises are slowly but surely getting better, my wounds and scratches are healing, save for those on my hand and shoulder. But even those are finally forming crusty yellow pus from their initial whiteness. Though the rest of the trip had its ups and downs, the hot springs and bath houses definitely made things better and helped me with my recovery. 

This ordeal definitely mellowed me out quite a bit. It's only been a week, but I can feel that it changed something within me. Other than learning the vital lessons of never being too prepared for a hike, on a broader level, it might have been showing me that maybe it was not my time to leave. It was reaffirming that I truly did love the people whom I hold dear, confirming that there are things I do want to try and opening my vision to whatever was narrowed. It gave me some courage, and that I am thankful for. That is why even though this took so long to write and the relive, I wanted to write it down. So I can recall my panic, and my will. And remember this experience as a guidance and an encouragement, and tell myself it's fine to be lost, it's okay to be struggling and it will be all right in the end.

Writing this, I feel a little better about the second big event. I guess it is because it helped shifted the focus of my feelings to another incident. I don't think my calmness about the matter will stay but I hope it lasts for quite a bit. Just shows how shaken I am I guess haha.

It's about the person in my life, losing the initial spark for me. I have experienced it before and I know it is a crucial stage that determines things but nonetheless it is scary for me. Being told to be given a break for a month is harsh but I love him. It is hard to love and choose to love when you know that person might be losing love for you. It makes you wonder and wish just why can't they reciprocate. But we all handle things and feelings differently and we can only get over it and come to a conclusion by ourselves in our own time.

I know all I can do is wait and trust. But uncertainties grow, as thoughts wander to things that you have all along known and felt wasn't looking hopeful and things that don't have to be if the relationship were to draw to a close. With time it feels as if it's a silent consent that I wasn't really needed, confirming my fears. It hurts me. I really hope it isn't the case but if it does, it will be hard. I hope I can come to terms with it. But I know I don't want to.

As foolish as it sounds, please love me. Please choose to love me. I love you. I want to make it work and I finally felt so hopeful and sure, and it took me so long. I want that hope to live on and I want us to find a way. I want to be enough and I want to give because you mean so much to me. I want to be the one to love you.

Dealing with people, 

dealing with emotions, 

I wish I would never wake up.

28.3.2020 

The world I see. 

14.4.2020

If I had to find a word to describe me, that would be the background.

決して目立たない、

人に気づかれない、

ただただ存在しているだけに過ぎない。

27.4.2020 

If you had never had to hide, 

you wouldn't need to shape your words in different ways

so that the needless and unknowing wouldn't see.

20.6.2020 

The lower I feel, 

the higher I tie my ponytail.

20.6.2020

Can there be pure tears in the night,

untainted by shadows? 

28.6.2020

I see time slip away like the falling rain.

14.7.2020 

Reminder to self: 

Keep your dreams close your heart.

It grows and burns in ways good and bad,

but dreams light the flame in our hearts and puts the spark in our eyes.

Always, at our core.

9.8.2020 

The rain trickles down the tip of my umbrella.

It falls, soaking my shirt and stinging the wound on my shoulder.

9.8.2020

I saw the signs in words and dreams, 

and rocks and beasts,

of the calm belying the storms. 

Wave after wave they hit me so, 

like thunderstorms on summer days.

Always strong but somewhere gentle, 

almost mocking but as if in console

14.8.2020 

The mountains that give,

the mountains that take.

14.8.2020